Good-Bye

Dear Maanushi

Thankfully your uncle Ramesh took this photograph of ours. The first time when I got chance to hold my princess. I felt that your sparkling eyes were searching for me. That you recognized me. I felt that you would say Baba at that very moment. You were not crying but just looking at me. I already felt like a proud father when you were in my arms. That moment I promised to myself that I would always be there for my princess and would always keep her happy.

This one is the photograph of your first day at school. That morning how happy you were to wear that new school uniform of yours. I had ironed it twice on request of my princess, blue shirt and white skirt. Your mother dressed  you up so neat. Then my dear daughter came to Baba showing her new uniform and school bag. How sad that at another moment you had cried so bad as schoolbus came to pick you up. The way you were crying over my shoulders I thought I would never sent you to school.  Thankfully, your mother had the guts to carry you to school bus or otherwise I would have never sent you to school. You and your mother made me feel like king as you both were my Queen and Princess.

Here is another photograph. This one is when you were recovering from Typhoid. I also remember that night as if it was yesterday when your mother and I had to take you to hospital at midnight as you puked everything you ate. You almost gave your mother and I mini heart attack. I could not sleep for entire week as you were admitted in hospital. When you were sleeping in that hospital bed I used to think if we could exchange our positions then I would take all your pain but then looking at you getting recovered was the best feeling a father could feel. It was like the storm had calmed down.

Till today I have nightmares of that heartbreaking instant when your mother left us. That usual Sunday morning which suddenly turned out to be so unusual. At that corner of street when her car was hit by truck. I heard that she died instantly. I was not there in her last moment of life. Your mother and I ,we used to talk that if we had to leave this world then we would leave together.

At that time, I could not have survived if you were not there standing beside me. I know you cried all night. I could hear you scream your mothers name but next morning you were the one showing me your brave face. When I could not even handle myself you had faith in me. Every single day you told me that I had to move on. I had to show courage. You told me that your mother would not be happy if she saw me at that state. Telling me that everything will be fine. At least we had eachother. I would have forgotten to live if it were not you holding my hands. My daughter you had valor. You took care of me like my mother.At that time I realized that my daughter is no ordinary person. She is a brave lioness just like her mother. I knew my daughter could face any problems in this earth.

Look here this is photograph of your 5^th birthday when your mother and I had decided to gift you a  white apron. You wanted to become a doctor back then. After that at the age of seven you wanted to become a pilot. You used to be so happy looking at every aeroplane passingby. You were so determined to fly that huge object in sky back then.  At the age of thirteen you wanted to become an engineer. Sometimes I wonder what would you have chosen to be if November 27, 2012 had not happened. 

I am so sorry Maanu, I could not become a responsible father. November 27, 2012 the day when I had been preparing for your birthday party. That evening, when we were supposed to be cutting your birthday cake I was called to identify your body. I  remember shock then instantly another moment I could feel my heart exploding with pain. My head feeling burnt and my body felt like it was trapped in a cage. Then I screamed so loud and after that I remember darkness.

You told me a day before that there were guys who were making you feel uncomfortable in your college. Later you told me that you can handle that problem. I wish I had not decided to wait for another day. I wish if only I had came to your college that very day. I would have my daughter with me. Everything would be different. I was so stupid. I am extremely sorry Maanu. Your father was not there for you when you needed him most. I was not able to keep my promise.

After that day I don’t remember living all I do is breath. Now all those animals who tortured my flower are behind the bars. I made sure that every person who made you suffer would suffer. After three years of remorse still I don’t see a bright light but today morning I felt that I could be happy.  After  three years of living nobody I decide not to live anymore.

I thought you and your mother Rekha were important in my life but now I know that you both are my life. I wonder why my beloved are taken away from me so early. Why both of you had to die that way? Why are people so bad? Don’t they realize that their acts can actually harm other people in a very bad way. Why people don’t treasure the lives of other people?

I don’t want to stay here anymore. I choose to be with my family. My Queen and princess are certainly waiting for me up there. I have already fought my battle. I imagine getting a pat by you both right now. At this point of time ironically I have lines of your favourite song going on in my head.

There is a better place from this. Emptiness.

Lots of love

Baba

Headlines: 13 January, 2016; One old man named Vikash Malla was found dead in his house in Kathmandu. Police found a bottle of poison, a letter and many of his old photographs near his dead body. 

Me

I don’t know if I can motivate you. Neither my story is extraordinary . I am just this ordinary girl who lives in suburbs of kathmandu valley. Good grades in school, good grades in college and good grades now. Trust me never been that hard working student either. Just last minute study.

I think everyone has this erupting volcano inside or is it because I am introvert. I think about so many things. Someday I wonder what kind of person am I. Someday the question Who am I? Someday am I unique? Someday am I average? Someday Is it bad to be average? And someday am I going to die nobody?

So if you catch a glimpse about me staring outside know that I am thinking about these genuine or weird ( I don’t know ) things and if not that I am terribly hurt. It is also not difficult to hurt me. Its just that small things makes me happy but then small things also hurts me. If you have to make me happy  all you have to do is sing me a song or say that I am pretty and if you have to hurt me real bad the only thing you have to do is be rude to me once. Then my ultra immediate mode of sadness will automatically be on. 

Amidst all these circumstances I have my few adorable people who make me feel like treasure. I am really grateful that I have them in my life. They have seen me in my best and my worst times. They dance for me when I am crying be the example as that is the recent one. Thank you to other people who happened to be in my life as lessons.

P.S: I am not sure whether I am supposed to be blogging this or not but then Just do it ( NIKE).

Inside Out

My brother asked, now what

I told him to have faith

Everything will be fine

I know he saw it in my face

The panic

Neither can I do anything

Only thing I could do was to convince him

That nothing bad would happen

But I was failing in that as well

I could not hide my fear.

My sister asked me to define beauty

A baby girl is born in our society. She is taught that she is supposed to be beautiful. Gender stereotypical behaviors are taught to the children. Boys will be given toy machine guns in their birthdays whereas girls will be given Barbie dolls. Girls are supposed to be delicate and beautiful.  Boys are supposed to be strong. Values like men are supposed to protect the women are injected in the minds of men whereas women are taught that they are delicate and not strong enough to protect themselves so they need men to protect them. Women are supposed to be feminine. When the girl menstruates then she is not allowed to enter in kitchen, not allowed to enter the temple and sometimes it is even said that she is allowed to touch the male members of her family. Menstruation, the biological process is treated as an evil act and she is treated as impure. After marriage, she is supposed to act inferior to him. She is supposed to have babies as per the wishes of her husband and her in laws.

This may sound dramatic but still many of we Nepali women have been living our life this way. For the patriarchal society like ours, beauty lies in getting socially confirmed to this culture.

As per the tentative data, 20 percent of 70,000 abortions in Nepal are done because of the preference of son over daughter. This action definitely is not beautiful.

As the very famous phrase goes like “Different people different perception”. I believe beauty is action. If my action can bring smiles in the innocent faces of people then my act is beautiful. I do not believe that beauty lies in the amount of melanin in your skin or the zero figure. No matter you are blonde or brunette. No matter you are five feet five inch or not. The only thing that matters is you are able to help people in need. You are not the one who believes that innocent female foetus should be killed in the name of patriarchy.

 Beauty is about being bold enough to take the decisions of life. In the patriarchal society like ours beauty for me is to be bold enough to speak against discriminatory practices in society.  Being socially deviant and be able to speak for justice is the beauty as per my opinion. Generally this behavior is considered rebellion but if my act can motivate the people to speak against injustice then that rebel is beauty for me.

There might be injustice in our society but that injustice is not because of the bad people who actually are unjust rather because good people are silence. To be ballsy enough to speak truth is beauty for me. Every individual who is engaged in making this world better enough for oneself and others are beautiful. People who are engaged in bringing peace in this naturally beautiful Nepal are beautiful. 

I wish

I wish you knew
how it feels when you are so rude to me
wish you knew
how it feels when you get so far from me

let me remind you
I have a heart
which cries a lot
when you behave that way

I wish you knew
the way I feel for you so deep
Wish you knew
the way I pray for you so hard

Why is it so
Are you pretending or
Is it for real?
The way you loved me before
Are we the people we used to be?

Now I wish I could stop myself
falling for you!!!
p.s.: This song written by me 3 years back happened to be in my diary. All memories refreshed.

Good-Bye for now

I knew we are of different types

We are just not same

Neither can we complement each other

You and I, we have clashing personalities

But still I tried making out with you

Hoping something good for both of us

Now I realized something are just not meant to happen

Like we being together

Now, Darling I am sorry

We cannot be together

I know it will hurt you

Staying in some corner getting ignored

But staying right in front and

Being the character to be criticized

Hurts even more

So dear, I am putting you back

Exactly the same spot I took you from

I might need you later

I might hold you again

You might be with me

Both of us sleeping together

But for now, it is a good-bye.

(hehehehe..exams over so Bye Bye course books for now)

In Love

For the first time in my life a boy proposed me. Though it was not like in the movies where boy bent over his knees and proposes girl with a red rose rather Samrat just came close to me and said those three magical words .It was the first love proposal I got in Valentine’s Day. I was shocked as me and Samrat were only friends. I acted as if I was not interested to be in a relationship with him but inside I felt butterflies were flying inside my stomach. Though I didn’t knew that I was in love or not but I surely wanted that experience of getting in relationship as all my friends were so happy with their boyfriends. Excitement couldn’t let me sleep the whole night.

 At college, in early morning he was waiting for me at the college gate. There I smiled and said “Yes”. He was astounded and I saw a cute smile came across his face and he had puffy eyes which showed that he hadn’t slept either.

Samrat studied science and I was management student so my classes finished early than his. Then we had our first date in college library. He holds my hand for the first time actually it was the first time some guy hold my hand. I nearly jumped off the seat. I could feel the blood rush in my face. It was the mixture of all the feelings, shy and confused, but then I could feel the heat inside me. I was sure I appeared like an apple really nervous red. Then I started reading as I had to stay in library for the time I waited for him. I must say, I developed a very good habit of reading books while I had to wait for him. That one and half hour was full of excitement. I used to go to bathroom for like ten times just to look at the mirror. I started watching Youtube videos for different hairstyles just to be pretty, though now I wonder what I was doing. Finally, when the wait was over he used to come and meet me in library with that smile I could die for. “I love him” started echoing inside me.

 I realized I actually started falling for him. I continuously thought about him all the time. I blushed even when I remembered his face. Once in dining table, while eating I remembered the way he hold my hand in library and the way I was nervous then I started blushing. My parents were watching me. They asked “What happened? Why are you blushing?”  It felt as if someone poured a bucket of coldwater on me. I stammered but I managed a lie. I told them that Aarati felled from her chair in classroom and it was so funny and I still can’t control my laughter. Though my parents didn’t seem convinced both of them didn’t bother and I was happy about that since I was very bad in lies.

We had few dates after that and the time he first kissed me in my cheeks. It was in a movie hall. We were going for our first movie date. Surely, I spend one hour getting ready and used to comment  myself “Khusi, you look beautiful” I even learned to apply mascara. Then it was the romantic movie we preferred to watch. I was holding his hands as by now I was very comfortable in holding his hands. Suddenly, I felt a kiss on my cheeks. My eyes turned wide as if my eye balls were about to come out. I was so shy to even look at him after that kiss. Almost after 10 minutes when I looked at him  he looked so fine and he smiled at me. There, my heart started dancing but then my brain started questioning, “Why isn’t he nervous? It  seems as if he had kissed hundreds of time”.

Heart: Shut up! Brain. Look how adorable and sweet is he.

My brain then jammed. At that moment, I really felt like if only I could stop the time and hold his hands forever like this. I said to myself,” Oh! You are in love”. I felt as if I was the princess of fairytales and he was my prince charming. We came out of the cinema hall happy , holding each other’s hands. Like that we dated for few times and Every time we had to say good-bye he used to kiss me on my cheeks and that made me feel so special.

After 2 week, while I was studying in library and getting bored. My brain thought of an idea which pleased my heart. Samrat had his lab classes for the last two periods. I planned of meeting him out the chemistry lab than in library. When I reached near lab, I heard his laughter from the classroom nearby lab. He was laughing out loud. It really fascinated me as his smile always made me smile.

 Again my

Brain : He has already completed his lab classes but he made me wait in library.

My soft heart:  He must have important works to do otherwise he would never make me wait.

 I was about to enter the door to surprise him but he surprised me back as I heard him saying “Where is my money Dev? You lost the bet, I kissed her that would cost you 1000rs.”

His friend replied “ I never thought khusi would be so easy to handle. I even had no single thought that she would say yes to you.” Then Dev said, “You have guts, proposing three girls at a single day. I thought it was safe bet but rather I thought Sneha or Zara could have said yes but I never expected khusi to be so eager to be in relationship and since you have kissed her, How does she taste?”

Reply from Samrat shocked me, “She tastes sexy but her expression is the most funniest. You should have seen her face after I hold her hands or kiss her, you could have fallen off chair laughing.”

There I was standing numb and felt as if something very hard and heavy hit my heart. Then suddenly I opened the door. He was shocked and started babbling but I didn’t hear a single word. There was nothing else in my mind I just went near him then I hit a punch in his right cheek. He almost fell after getting back in his previous position shocked; I hit another punch right at his nose. His friend stood numb. Then I left the place.

Rushing back to home at first all could I could feel was rage and anger. Suddenly I was full of emotions and started crying. Almost cried whole night, all those moments were coming in front of my eyes. In the morning I woke up and looked at myself in mirror. I realized how brave I was to do that.  It was the first time I punched someone. I realized that I was strong enough to wipe the tears out, I saw the brave khusi. My heart though felt the pain which I had never felt before; I also realized that I had changed as a person and I like that change. Next morning at college Samrat was at gate, waiting for me, I saw puffy eyes again. He almost stood to talk to me but this time I just stared at him as if his left cheek will get punched. Then he sat back down. I don’t know what he was about to say but none of that mattered to me. He did wrong to me and I won’t forgive him for that but I also can’t forget him. Now after a year, I remember that as an experience that made me brave.  That relationship of 2 week changed me so much. A shy girl changed to brave one.

Today, after one year remembering that incident and writing this story is fun. No boyfriend yet but I have never been so happy like this before. By this time, I am in deep love with someone very special and the name is KHUSI, yes that is me.

Author: Runa Maharjan