Good-Bye

Dear Maanushi

Thankfully your uncle Ramesh took this photograph of ours. The first time when I got chance to hold my princess. I felt that your sparkling eyes were searching for me. That you recognized me. I felt that you would say Baba at that very moment. You were not crying but just looking at me. I already felt like a proud father when you were in my arms. That moment I promised to myself that I would always be there for my princess and would always keep her happy.

This one is the photograph of your first day at school. That morning how happy you were to wear that new school uniform of yours. I had ironed it twice on request of my princess, blue shirt and white skirt. Your mother dressed  you up so neat. Then my dear daughter came to Baba showing her new uniform and school bag. How sad that at another moment you had cried so bad as schoolbus came to pick you up. The way you were crying over my shoulders I thought I would never sent you to school.  Thankfully, your mother had the guts to carry you to school bus or otherwise I would have never sent you to school. You and your mother made me feel like king as you both were my Queen and Princess.

Here is another photograph. This one is when you were recovering from Typhoid. I also remember that night as if it was yesterday when your mother and I had to take you to hospital at midnight as you puked everything you ate. You almost gave your mother and I mini heart attack. I could not sleep for entire week as you were admitted in hospital. When you were sleeping in that hospital bed I used to think if we could exchange our positions then I would take all your pain but then looking at you getting recovered was the best feeling a father could feel. It was like the storm had calmed down.

Till today I have nightmares of that heartbreaking instant when your mother left us. That usual Sunday morning which suddenly turned out to be so unusual. At that corner of street when her car was hit by truck. I heard that she died instantly. I was not there in her last moment of life. Your mother and I ,we used to talk that if we had to leave this world then we would leave together.

At that time, I could not have survived if you were not there standing beside me. I know you cried all night. I could hear you scream your mothers name but next morning you were the one showing me your brave face. When I could not even handle myself you had faith in me. Every single day you told me that I had to move on. I had to show courage. You told me that your mother would not be happy if she saw me at that state. Telling me that everything will be fine. At least we had eachother. I would have forgotten to live if it were not you holding my hands. My daughter you had valor. You took care of me like my mother.At that time I realized that my daughter is no ordinary person. She is a brave lioness just like her mother. I knew my daughter could face any problems in this earth.

Look here this is photograph of your 5^th birthday when your mother and I had decided to gift you a  white apron. You wanted to become a doctor back then. After that at the age of seven you wanted to become a pilot. You used to be so happy looking at every aeroplane passingby. You were so determined to fly that huge object in sky back then.  At the age of thirteen you wanted to become an engineer. Sometimes I wonder what would you have chosen to be if November 27, 2012 had not happened. 

I am so sorry Maanu, I could not become a responsible father. November 27, 2012 the day when I had been preparing for your birthday party. That evening, when we were supposed to be cutting your birthday cake I was called to identify your body. I  remember shock then instantly another moment I could feel my heart exploding with pain. My head feeling burnt and my body felt like it was trapped in a cage. Then I screamed so loud and after that I remember darkness.

You told me a day before that there were guys who were making you feel uncomfortable in your college. Later you told me that you can handle that problem. I wish I had not decided to wait for another day. I wish if only I had came to your college that very day. I would have my daughter with me. Everything would be different. I was so stupid. I am extremely sorry Maanu. Your father was not there for you when you needed him most. I was not able to keep my promise.

After that day I don’t remember living all I do is breath. Now all those animals who tortured my flower are behind the bars. I made sure that every person who made you suffer would suffer. After three years of remorse still I don’t see a bright light but today morning I felt that I could be happy.  After  three years of living nobody I decide not to live anymore.

I thought you and your mother Rekha were important in my life but now I know that you both are my life. I wonder why my beloved are taken away from me so early. Why both of you had to die that way? Why are people so bad? Don’t they realize that their acts can actually harm other people in a very bad way. Why people don’t treasure the lives of other people?

I don’t want to stay here anymore. I choose to be with my family. My Queen and princess are certainly waiting for me up there. I have already fought my battle. I imagine getting a pat by you both right now. At this point of time ironically I have lines of your favourite song going on in my head.

There is a better place from this. Emptiness.

Lots of love

Baba

Headlines: 13 January, 2016; One old man named Vikash Malla was found dead in his house in Kathmandu. Police found a bottle of poison, a letter and many of his old photographs near his dead body.