Inside Out

My brother asked, now what

I told him to have faith

Everything will be fine

I know he saw it in my face

The panic

Neither can I do anything

Only thing I could do was to convince him

That nothing bad would happen

But I was failing in that as well

I could not hide my fear.

My sister asked me to define beauty

A baby girl is born in our society. She is taught that she is supposed to be beautiful. Gender stereotypical behaviors are taught to the children. Boys will be given toy machine guns in their birthdays whereas girls will be given Barbie dolls. Girls are supposed to be delicate and beautiful.  Boys are supposed to be strong. Values like men are supposed to protect the women are injected in the minds of men whereas women are taught that they are delicate and not strong enough to protect themselves so they need men to protect them. Women are supposed to be feminine. When the girl menstruates then she is not allowed to enter in kitchen, not allowed to enter the temple and sometimes it is even said that she is allowed to touch the male members of her family. Menstruation, the biological process is treated as an evil act and she is treated as impure. After marriage, she is supposed to act inferior to him. She is supposed to have babies as per the wishes of her husband and her in laws.

This may sound dramatic but still many of we Nepali women have been living our life this way. For the patriarchal society like ours, beauty lies in getting socially confirmed to this culture.

As per the tentative data, 20 percent of 70,000 abortions in Nepal are done because of the preference of son over daughter. This action definitely is not beautiful.

As the very famous phrase goes like “Different people different perception”. I believe beauty is action. If my action can bring smiles in the innocent faces of people then my act is beautiful. I do not believe that beauty lies in the amount of melanin in your skin or the zero figure. No matter you are blonde or brunette. No matter you are five feet five inch or not. The only thing that matters is you are able to help people in need. You are not the one who believes that innocent female foetus should be killed in the name of patriarchy.

 Beauty is about being bold enough to take the decisions of life. In the patriarchal society like ours beauty for me is to be bold enough to speak against discriminatory practices in society.  Being socially deviant and be able to speak for justice is the beauty as per my opinion. Generally this behavior is considered rebellion but if my act can motivate the people to speak against injustice then that rebel is beauty for me.

There might be injustice in our society but that injustice is not because of the bad people who actually are unjust rather because good people are silence. To be ballsy enough to speak truth is beauty for me. Every individual who is engaged in making this world better enough for oneself and others are beautiful. People who are engaged in bringing peace in this naturally beautiful Nepal are beautiful. 

I wish

I wish you knew
how it feels when you are so rude to me
wish you knew
how it feels when you get so far from me

let me remind you
I have a heart
which cries a lot
when you behave that way

I wish you knew
the way I feel for you so deep
Wish you knew
the way I pray for you so hard

Why is it so
Are you pretending or
Is it for real?
The way you loved me before
Are we the people we used to be?

Now I wish I could stop myself
falling for you!!!
p.s.: This song written by me 3 years back happened to be in my diary. All memories refreshed.

Good-Bye for now

I knew we are of different types

We are just not same

Neither can we complement each other

You and I, we have clashing personalities

But still I tried making out with you

Hoping something good for both of us

Now I realized something are just not meant to happen

Like we being together

Now, Darling I am sorry

We cannot be together

I know it will hurt you

Staying in some corner getting ignored

But staying right in front and

Being the character to be criticized

Hurts even more

So dear, I am putting you back

Exactly the same spot I took you from

I might need you later

I might hold you again

You might be with me

Both of us sleeping together

But for now, it is a good-bye.

(hehehehe..exams over so Bye Bye course books for now)

In Love

For the first time in my life a boy proposed me. Though it was not like in the movies where boy bent over his knees and proposes girl with a red rose rather Samrat just came close to me and said those three magical words .It was the first love proposal I got in Valentine’s Day. I was shocked as me and Samrat were only friends. I acted as if I was not interested to be in a relationship with him but inside I felt butterflies were flying inside my stomach. Though I didn’t knew that I was in love or not but I surely wanted that experience of getting in relationship as all my friends were so happy with their boyfriends. Excitement couldn’t let me sleep the whole night.

 At college, in early morning he was waiting for me at the college gate. There I smiled and said “Yes”. He was astounded and I saw a cute smile came across his face and he had puffy eyes which showed that he hadn’t slept either.

Samrat studied science and I was management student so my classes finished early than his. Then we had our first date in college library. He holds my hand for the first time actually it was the first time some guy hold my hand. I nearly jumped off the seat. I could feel the blood rush in my face. It was the mixture of all the feelings, shy and confused, but then I could feel the heat inside me. I was sure I appeared like an apple really nervous red. Then I started reading as I had to stay in library for the time I waited for him. I must say, I developed a very good habit of reading books while I had to wait for him. That one and half hour was full of excitement. I used to go to bathroom for like ten times just to look at the mirror. I started watching Youtube videos for different hairstyles just to be pretty, though now I wonder what I was doing. Finally, when the wait was over he used to come and meet me in library with that smile I could die for. “I love him” started echoing inside me.

 I realized I actually started falling for him. I continuously thought about him all the time. I blushed even when I remembered his face. Once in dining table, while eating I remembered the way he hold my hand in library and the way I was nervous then I started blushing. My parents were watching me. They asked “What happened? Why are you blushing?”  It felt as if someone poured a bucket of coldwater on me. I stammered but I managed a lie. I told them that Aarati felled from her chair in classroom and it was so funny and I still can’t control my laughter. Though my parents didn’t seem convinced both of them didn’t bother and I was happy about that since I was very bad in lies.

We had few dates after that and the time he first kissed me in my cheeks. It was in a movie hall. We were going for our first movie date. Surely, I spend one hour getting ready and used to comment  myself “Khusi, you look beautiful” I even learned to apply mascara. Then it was the romantic movie we preferred to watch. I was holding his hands as by now I was very comfortable in holding his hands. Suddenly, I felt a kiss on my cheeks. My eyes turned wide as if my eye balls were about to come out. I was so shy to even look at him after that kiss. Almost after 10 minutes when I looked at him  he looked so fine and he smiled at me. There, my heart started dancing but then my brain started questioning, “Why isn’t he nervous? It  seems as if he had kissed hundreds of time”.

Heart: Shut up! Brain. Look how adorable and sweet is he.

My brain then jammed. At that moment, I really felt like if only I could stop the time and hold his hands forever like this. I said to myself,” Oh! You are in love”. I felt as if I was the princess of fairytales and he was my prince charming. We came out of the cinema hall happy , holding each other’s hands. Like that we dated for few times and Every time we had to say good-bye he used to kiss me on my cheeks and that made me feel so special.

After 2 week, while I was studying in library and getting bored. My brain thought of an idea which pleased my heart. Samrat had his lab classes for the last two periods. I planned of meeting him out the chemistry lab than in library. When I reached near lab, I heard his laughter from the classroom nearby lab. He was laughing out loud. It really fascinated me as his smile always made me smile.

 Again my

Brain : He has already completed his lab classes but he made me wait in library.

My soft heart:  He must have important works to do otherwise he would never make me wait.

 I was about to enter the door to surprise him but he surprised me back as I heard him saying “Where is my money Dev? You lost the bet, I kissed her that would cost you 1000rs.”

His friend replied “ I never thought khusi would be so easy to handle. I even had no single thought that she would say yes to you.” Then Dev said, “You have guts, proposing three girls at a single day. I thought it was safe bet but rather I thought Sneha or Zara could have said yes but I never expected khusi to be so eager to be in relationship and since you have kissed her, How does she taste?”

Reply from Samrat shocked me, “She tastes sexy but her expression is the most funniest. You should have seen her face after I hold her hands or kiss her, you could have fallen off chair laughing.”

There I was standing numb and felt as if something very hard and heavy hit my heart. Then suddenly I opened the door. He was shocked and started babbling but I didn’t hear a single word. There was nothing else in my mind I just went near him then I hit a punch in his right cheek. He almost fell after getting back in his previous position shocked; I hit another punch right at his nose. His friend stood numb. Then I left the place.

Rushing back to home at first all could I could feel was rage and anger. Suddenly I was full of emotions and started crying. Almost cried whole night, all those moments were coming in front of my eyes. In the morning I woke up and looked at myself in mirror. I realized how brave I was to do that.  It was the first time I punched someone. I realized that I was strong enough to wipe the tears out, I saw the brave khusi. My heart though felt the pain which I had never felt before; I also realized that I had changed as a person and I like that change. Next morning at college Samrat was at gate, waiting for me, I saw puffy eyes again. He almost stood to talk to me but this time I just stared at him as if his left cheek will get punched. Then he sat back down. I don’t know what he was about to say but none of that mattered to me. He did wrong to me and I won’t forgive him for that but I also can’t forget him. Now after a year, I remember that as an experience that made me brave.  That relationship of 2 week changed me so much. A shy girl changed to brave one.

Today, after one year remembering that incident and writing this story is fun. No boyfriend yet but I have never been so happy like this before. By this time, I am in deep love with someone very special and the name is KHUSI, yes that is me.

Author: Runa Maharjan

Legitimization of Nepali Time

Published in Kathmandu post (Feb.19, 2015) after few edits.

The tendency of getting late has always been very popular in our context. Nepali time is the very famous phrase from the time I remember. This habit of ours has become a culture which everyone is well acquainted about and most of the people are the firm follower of this culture. Flexibility can be the synonym of this culture we are developing among ourselves.

In case, if any program has to be organized then the organizers tend to call people before time in the hope that people might come in the exact time. for example if any activity has to be conducted at 10 a.m. then people are informed to come at 9 a.m. but the organizers are also compelled to do that because of the circumstances around i.e. if people are informed to come at certain time, they are almost 1 hour late. Actually everyone is affected by this habit we are developing. People who are die-hard follower of the Nepali time themselves and others who are not the follower of such habit.

There are a group of people who actually are blind followers of this culture whereas others who believe that time is a boon and is supposed to be used properly. Those groups of people who show up in time loose an hour or so. Then one who shows up in time slowly changes into the follower of so called Nepali time. The connotation Nepali time itself so embarrassing. A person gets late and names it as Nepali time which is the shame on that individual, using the name of country in such mistake of oneself. We are the one following such malpractice and the name of country is misused which shows our uncivilized civilization.

Again this culture has been injected in our minds and we are transferring this tendency to our juniors as well. We are teaching younger minds to get late from our actions. This habit will lead to the lack of realization regarding the importance of time. There are various consequences of this malpractice. This practice shows the lack of development among us but we are so much into this habit of getting late and naming it Nepali time so change is difficult but then it has to happen and one of the reason we fall behind in this competitive world is that we are firm believer of Nepali time. In this competitive era, an individual must be able to do the best use of time but then wasting the time of oneself and even others is not justified.

Hypothetical example:

If a person has to attend any international conference but that person shows up in so called Nepali time then what might be the impression upon the other people regarding our country and that person.

Showing up in Nepali time has been so common that people think that they are cool when they are late, apologizing is far away, but this is the bad habit which has been effecting many people in our society. The thing is it seems so genuine and okay to be late that none of us sees this habit as the infecting one. We are so habitual to be late and see others being late that getting late does not seem to be a problem but this habit is not letting us go in any positive direction rather we are pushing ourselves back. Lastly, time is money supposed to be used wisely and surely let’s not waste time of someone else at least.

Scope in desert

No greenery to be seen. No scene that attract the people. No water for survival. Sadly, Nepal represents desert for so many people. The one sad thing is the beauty is stolen by pollution and many camels are stolen by good foreign lifestyle. One camel stays and writes, pours her frustration. Nowadays she wonders what if she was not camel rather koala or kangaroo or some venomous snake or the powerful lion. But the camel realizes camels are special. Those beautiful eye lashes, that sexy hump and that water storage capacity. The satisfactory within the camels they stay and the happiness among those who certainly pretend they are not camel just because they are in between koalas, both are ironic.

Hysterical that the days so hot and humid, night so shivering cold yet camels are managing but the question is only surviving enough? Time for camels to live than survive. Find the oasis and call of their other camel friends back. They should use their pretty eyes in seeking the life here in desert; make the beautiful desert where camality is everywhere. Sovereign camel nation….sounds good right. With this identity, positive identity and the skills within camels can definitely make desert the heaven.

P.S. Everything here represent metaphor but with the truth shining in it. Hope you are smart enough to figure it out.:p :p 

Ragging; the act of machismo or the reasonless creature??

Macho every male prefer to be

Show off their strengths

“Mard ko kabhi dard nahi hota”

Power they show upon others

Others who are weaker than they ares

Weakness they justify by age

My senior they rag us in their terms

They abuse us as per our terms

We dance, forced to take our clothes off

Act as the male whore

One year less their age

And we become their slaves

Entertaining them becomes our chore

Patriarchy and machismo, brothers of life they sound

Society say they effects the other chromosome

But me the male is equally affected.

The act of machismo they call it

We the victims call it the act of an animal

Manipulating us by using their strengths

Their so called strength named seniority

Making their inhuman activity

The culture of entertainment

But I say the act of reasonless creature.

Lot more

Lot of things to do

Lot of love to get

Lot more dreams to accomplish

Lot more desires of others to fulfill

Lot more to give to many

Lot more to get from many

Lot of surprises to get

Lot more happiness to give

Lot more smiles to gift

Lot more to do in this momentum of breaths

Lot more have done in this period called life

Looking forward for more happiness and surprises

Looking forward to grow..

 

Jealousy shouts

Actually show on

Prices of your shoes and clothes on notice board

Your loud mouth needs no microphone

Irritating poor kid of a rich dad

But still thinks she owned it all, disgusting lad

Lady Diana she smells

Levis covers it all

Scary her appearance is, Giraffe her height

Make up 1 kg but brain smaller than mite

Take her far away from my sight

Oh! I can have nightmare from such fright…:p :p

Confusing Life

The verses of love

or, the verses of pain

The verses of loss

or, the verses of gain

Ups and downs, win or lose

stairs of life, never across

heart or brain what to listen

series goes on without a pardon

More you know, More you don’t

Another chance, nahh, surely it won’t

one more step, thousand more to go

Get a Yes, then thousands of No

Surely it goes on, on and on

something breaks and sometimes bond

Neither rewind nor pause..

surely its the life first..

Returned II

Returned 2:

Back then my story,

 Thrashed like an object

A beast dressed as human

Came to tore all my clothes open

Along with clothes my skin my life

Never expected life turning upside down

Entered that land with the ray of hope

The desert dark, cold and deep

Human turned the darkest

Hopes and dreams of better life shattered

And this baby of his

 Making me a bad person..

Returned

I came back with a baby

The life inside me

One which pushed everyone away

Took my family away from me

This baby is sin

I might sound so harsh

But trust me I used to be kind

The desert made me tough

I had a dream

But the choice was never the first one

Situation compelled me

I had to leave

And now I am back

I expected everyone to be happy

But never knew one baby in my womb

Would make me so miserable

But trust me baby was not my choice

I would have never chosen such abuse

I would have never chosen a baby like that…

What if the pillars of the nation have rust?

Youth who are believed to be the pillars of the nation, having the responsibility to change the paradigm of the society from traditional value system to the era of modern technology has the rust named as patriarchal values in their mind. Every problem of nation can be changed if the psychology of the people living in it changes.

School curriculum with loophole

Whenever we discuss about the change in psychology of the people, the first thing that comes in our mind is the education but the question to be asked is what kind of education actually help solving this deep rooted social problem. Lots of youths who are educated also have the injected patriarchy in their mind. Knowingly or unknowingly course curriculums might promote patriarchy for example:

I am a youngest female member of my happy family. My father works in office. He earns money and fulfills all our wishes. My mother on the other hand looks after my family. She takes care of us. I have an elder brother. We both study in same school. My parents love us both equally. After I come back from school I do my assignment later I help my mother in her household works. My brother helps my father in his business. We are a very happy family.

Values of society

In society like ours, sad but true boys are brought up with the belief that he is superior to women whereas on the other hand, girls are brought up and they are taught to serve their husbands in future. Gender stereotypical behaviors are taught to the children. Boys will be given toy machine guns in their birthdays whereas girls will be given Barbie dolls. Values like men are supposed to protect the women are injected in the minds of men whereas women are taught that they are delicate and not strong enough to protect themselves so they need men to protect them. Then the clothes pink and blue. Later the girls in kitchen and the boys in office.

This injected belief leads to another belief which would be why I should study if my husband will feed me as the cause and effect relationship. Feed me is the literal term used in many cases. Such is the scenario in our society where women herself puts herself in lower hierarchy than the men because she is brought up in the society with patriarchal values. Then in the case of educated women, again the values compel her in many situations to surrender in front of patriarchy. Whole new notion of this value starts with the paradox of surname change. As a newlywed bride you will get new identity and change in identity is shown as the matter to be proud of but is this change proud worthy. In the marriage ceremony, bride’s family should drink the water washed from the feet of the groom till today and there are many other examples.

When a girl is raped, her identity is kept hidden and we consider that as the good aspect of criminal justice system. She is innocent and has the right to live with dignity in society. Getting raped is not her fault rather she is the victim so rather than making her the character to sympathize for, making her strong enough to overcome the torture she went through is important.

Eliminating this evil

Educational institutions should play important role in eliminating this system out of peoples mind. Student should be taught to respect each other. Children from the very young age should know about patriarchy, the problem it has been creating in present context. They should be taught about the effects that patriarchy has in the mind of the people and should be kept well aware about their role in uprooting this problem. Only then the psychology of new generation can be changed. To state that “Patriarchy is the  problem of women where men dominates women so women should be empowered to solve this problem and no men should be concerned about effects of patriarchy on women” is not true as well. This is the age where both men and women should co-operate to defeat this problem. Empowerment of all the people in society is necessary, society where men realizes the importance of women in society and women gains equal status as that of men.

A group of people winning is just the fallacy as this is not the battle ground i.e. patriarchy might give special privilege to men but the ultimate result  is the failure of state as with half the population getting dominated by half the population a state can never be considered developed. Rather development requires both energy and idea. For obtaining maximum of both of these intangible things maximum participation of both men and women is necessary. People who are already aware about the evil going around in our society should not surrender to this malpractice. All the people trying to break this gender stereotype should be motivated. Only co-operation between people in society can bring positive effect.  A group of capable but dependent people will only lead to the society of anarchy and chaos.

Author: Runa Maharjan (published in kathmandu post)

My husband is a monster

Every night he turns into devil

He beats me until I bleed

As if my pain satisfies him

As if I am the reason he is suffering

Never realizing who the actual sufferer is

Never being human with me

I the source of pleasure for him

I no more than breathing doll

He abusing me every time

He turning into monster

I scared and silent

Seems as if I have no speech

Same as my existence

Blank, dark and seeking tranquility.

Market price of yours...

Educational qualifications directly proportional to the market value

Even market value increases as per the good looks

One chromosomal difference and you start gaining market value

Ironic that you are selling yourself

In the name of dowry

Your bride owns you

Her family bought you

You blind and disgusting in the dilemma

Actually it is you the slave

With the price tag on your forehead

Your new masters your in-laws

And still you the ignorant lad

With no self-respect sold Yourself.

The Blur memories..

Yes, you were there

I felt your presence

Felt you being around me

 Your touch                       

Your fragrance

Then you were gone

Leaving your blur memories

Just as you had long ago….

Teenager of 1914

I am a teenager

Teenager who was supposed to be enjoying life

Teenager who wishes to have few girlfriends and hangout with them

But here I am in this battle field

I have guns and bombs as my friends

I see people breathing their last ones

People remembering their family

Everything around me is not my choice

Or if this is the destiny then I hate it

 As  It made me living dead that kills

Inner me screaming that I don’t want to hold this gun

I don’t want to pull this trigger,

As it leaves behind the last screams

Nasty smell of powder

Guilt that weakens my heart

Series of Questions hits me

Why me? Why us?  Why this bloodshed?

Why not peace? Why not life?

P.S: Just tried looking the world from the eye of teenager guy about to leave for world war 1..

Scarred

Even for a minuscule time

So called human don’t bother

No one turns back

Shocked they tend to become

Few seconds of grief

Then they leave

I scarred lying besides pavements

Fibers torn, covered with blood

My body silently screaming for help

But the so-called supreme creatures

Unconscious I am, reasons they lost

Victim I am, senseless they become   

Helpless I am , humanity they lost

My breathes about to go

They stand, stare and leave..

P.S: Delhi rape case still scares the hell out of me making me goosebumpy and this poem for all those who actually stood, stared and left the place when Damini and her friend were lying on the pavement. Instead of doing anything to help people just passed by shameless to call us the creatures with reasoning skills.

My son survived

The screams of the children

Heard guns responsible for that

Bombs bombing the future

And me selfish mother

Happy my son survived

P.S: Could not imagine the pain of mothers who actually lost their children in the school attack in Pakistan.

RIP all the innocent lives.